really

nearly 12 months down the line. damn. its a long fucking time.
everything has done 180degrees, and everything i see is different.
i dont know whether i like the jumped up cynical damaged bitch that i am now, hardened by this place and its people.
i think i do. sometimes its great, hiding behind a bluff, or a broken heart.
sometimes its fucking awful, and grey and dull.
attempting to kick this shit alone is kind of invigorating occasionally, and then you have to sit back and wonder if thats just an excuse.
everything you know gets dumped in a garbage truck when you're not looking.
you wanna call them back and say, actually can i put it in the recycling instead?
at least that way its still part of stuff.
and then you realise they don't do recycling.
and im kind of ok with not recycling. at least you can't go over the same shit again and again, and fall into your own cycle of use, re-use or mis-use.
and then you wonder whether you can tip the dealer or not, and get dealt a better hand.